Coming Home

Would you rather show up for a party under or overdressed? It�s a strange feeling, when you show up somewhere having totally missed the mark, attire-wise. With the first glimpse of a patent leather pump, everything you thought the event was going to be is chucked out the window while you search for some red lipstick, something, anything, to help you find a place in the orbit of the party for which you are clearly not prepared.  Oops. I now tend toward overdressed.

when in doubt, wear a tutu.

Cutest. Ever.

I�ve mentioned before that my work takes me away from home.  Last week I had back to back shows, so I was in work mode for the better part of two weeks.  Thankfully, my family was able to join me for the first leg of my trip, but the second half I was flying solo.  It�s an odd thing, and I�ve written about this before, being away from the tiny person who has been so dependent upon me for the past 14 months.  It takes me awhile to figure out how to be me, without Grace there.  My strategy these past few shows has been to work on compartmentalizing my life.  This takes real mental strength.  I have to acknowledge the fact that I am, ultimately, a mother, but the parenting job is being handled by someone else and I need to fill my time with something else, because if I dwell too long on these thoughts, I get a little blue, so I keep them in their compartment and move on.  At least, this is the current formula.

Werkperk. SLC, baby.

Lucky for me, I work with very interesting, social people who are generally up for all kinds of shenanigans, so last week I gave myself permission to just have fun.  I found my friends and saw a movie, had drinks, maybe had one too many drinks, laughed, ordered food without having to worry about it being baby friendly, talked with other adults about life, did yoga, explored a giant interactive museum and made a little girl cry in the ball pit (for real), I even went bowling and while my performance was abysmal, the laughs were great.

I dressed for the party.  And I nailed it.

Oh oops, how did that get here?  #humblebrag

Upon coming home from work, and this has always been the case after working auto shows, I really struggle to figure out how I fit back into my life.  It sounds stupid, it�s my life after all, but having been absent from it for a few days, and having lived such a vivid, full existence while away, I always feel like I�m searching for a way to fit in again.  Luckily, I know this about myself, Eric knows this too, and he gives me a Grace period for a few days while I drift around our home like a satellite lost in space. Where are the thousands of people I�m supposed to engage with? Where are all my friends?  Did that really happen?  My show friends and I were commiserating on how difficult it is to turn off the auto show persona when you leave work.  More than once I have aggressively smiled at and greeted a passer by on the street, totally freaking us both out � you�re not at work, slow your roll on the smiles, Buddy.  So to go from an auto show with tens of thousands of people, to quiet house + baby + at home mama?  It�s not even close to missing the mark on party attire.  It�s like preparing for Tosca and showing up opening night to find it�s really Waiting for Godot.

So on my first full day home, I took Grace to the library for toddler time.  I dressed in typical mama wardrobe, some sort of legging + sweatshirt + Ugg boot combination, threw my hair back in a braid, blinked on some mascara and just like that I was back in the trenches of my other life. Walking into the library, there were lots of parents and kids and it felt a little bit like�a crowd. People to be talked to and entertained.  I could feel the showmanship edging back in, wishing I had at least put on some lipstick�but their gaze was not on me.  It was on Miss Betty the librarian, and we were not going to talk about anything fancy or grown up. We were going to read stories about germs.

Puccini's Madame Butterfly?  Psych! Buckle up for some Chekov, baby, tonight it�s The Cherry Orchard. 

Do you ever have this feeling?  Is it exclusive to my auto show peeps?  Tell me you know what I mean.  I was dying to make a joke about the cost of plastic cups when I got home and saw a pretty solo cup sitting in my cupboard, but no one would have gotten it.  I know you�re all just a text away and we can engage in some e-laughter, but still.  It�s not the same.

It's a couple of days later so I�ve washed most of the auto show off and jumped back into life as usual. It�s a lot quieter.  And I look a little less fancy.  And I miss all the silly things I talked about last week (g forces, trust falls, resort wear Santa...you know who you are). But I have to say, as the curtain rises each morning, I definitely, definitely know exactly which role I am supposed to play.

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Logika.Rasa.dan.Zsazsa

Halo�, 
sudah lama kita enggak bertegur sapa. 
Di Post kali ini aku ingin memperkenalkan tentang website Logika Rasa. 

Apa itu Logika Rasa ? 
Logika Rasa itu adalah website yang menjadi wadah bagi teman-teman yang ingin bercerita tentang segala hal dalam berbagai bentuk, seperti gambar, tulisan, musik, dan lainnya.

Website ini dibentuk oleh teman-teman aku di Fakultas Hukum Universitas Indonesia yang sangat mencintai seni. Mereka amazing banget ya! 

Tujuannyapun amat sangat mulia, yaitu untuk melestarikan Bahasa Indonesia, membudayakan menulis, dan memajukan industri kreatif Indonesia. 

Luar Biasa! 

Dan yang lebih luar biasanya lagi adalah�, 
entah bagaimana salah satu pendiri mereka, Muthia,  mengajak aku untuk menjadi salah satu pencerita tetap mereka. 
Dengan perasaan shock dan banyak bahagia di dadaku, aku langsung menerima tawaran mereka. Aku merasa sangat terhormat. 
Sungguh-sungguh merasa terhormat. Aku sangat senang menjadi bagian dari komunitas yang sangat artistik dan idealis ini. 

Oh ya! Selain aku�, masih banyak anak-anak berbakat lainnya yang menjadi pencerita tetap di website gaul ini. 

Semuanya baik hati dan ramah, 

jadi jangan segan-segan untuk follow twitter mereka ya�. 

dan karena aku jadi salah satu pencerita tetap, nantinya coretan iseng aku akan dipost di Logika Rasa, sedangkan blog aku ini akan berisikan cerita keseharian aku.

Lalu�, Sebelum kamu kecewa sama aku, lebih baik aku kasih tahu duluan ya�.

Walaupun aku sudah menerbitkan 1 (satu) buah novel, tapi kemampuan menulis teman-teman lainnya jauh lebih tinggi dibandingkan aku. 

Bahasa mereka sangat puitis dan berseni, beda sama bahasa aku yang apa adanya banget! Ehehe�. 

Sejujurnya kenyataan itu, sempat membuat aku minder dan ingin mundur, tapi muthia bilang setiap orang beda-beda dan menyemangati aku untuk tetap menulis. Akhirnya aku jadi bersemangat dan menggunakan kesempatan ini untuk belajar menulis lebih baik lagi. 

Jadi walaupun kemampuan menulis aku jomblang dibandingkan penulis lainnya, tetap baca tulisan aku ya teman-teman. ehehe. 

Ada hal penting lainnya! 
Selain kami, para pencerita tetap, teman-teman juga bisa lho mengirimkan cerita-cerita yang kamu miliki untuk ditampilkan di Logika Rasa. Caranya gampang banget! Tinggal buat dan kirimkan ke redaksi@logikarasa.com. 

Ayo bercerita dan berkolaborasi bersama kami untuk menciptakan  beragam kreasi bersama! 

bagi teman-teman yang penasaran, langsung aja klik http://www.logikarasa.com <3 

@ De Heliconia 

XOXO

Karizza Rakmavika <3

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Why it feels as though I've been punched in the gut.

Can I let you in on my dirty little secret?

I bought a tanning package.

You might wonder WHY a twenty-first century lady like myself would spend a couple of minutes a day, a few days a week in a cancer bed when she absolutely knows better?

  Let me show you.

Surprisingly, my employer has not yet issued pink gorilla suits as standard wardrobe, so thankfully, that is not me in the photo above.

That's what April looks like in Wisconsin.  That's what our landscape looks like for almost half of the year.  I need a vitamin D fix, so I go tanning. The shame.


At our house, the weather governs our lifestyle.  If the sun is even remotely shining, we are outside.  It's obsessive. My sister moved to San Diego two years ago, and she is just now able to give herself permission to be indoors, even if it is seventy-two and sunny outside.  Which it is, basically everyday. #jealous

 I usually have to drag Eric along, but as long as he can bring his camera, he's happy.

Sunshine baby.

The only thing as predictable as a Wisconsin winter is what Wisconsin does on Sunday afternoons.

All hail St. Vince.

Which is why, when faced with the thought of spending one of our hard-earned, beautiful fall afternoons indoors, we use our big Wisconsin brains and find a way to merge the two things we love most. We watch the Packers, outside.

res ipsa loquitur.

And if you're lucky enough to roll with my parents, they'll bring their living room furniture and rug outside, my dad will make homemade, artisan pizzas, and we'll enjoy a craft beer from a local brewery.  Pretty much the best day of my life.

I live in Packer country,  I drink the Green and Gold Kool Aid, and I think Vince Lombardi nailed it when he said:

"Think of only three things: your God, your family and the Green Bay Packers-in that order."

So when I say, "this has been a rough week," you'll know that sentiment is a MILD UNDERSTATEMENT.

All sports fans know defeat is an inevitable part of playing the game.  Defeat at the championship round  playoff game is a bitter pill to swallow.  There are NO WORDS for the feeling of having essentially WON the game, only to have what can be described as the worst string of events that could possibily happen, actually happen.  Brutal? Definitely.  Shocking?  Yes, quite literally.  It feels like a sucker punch to the solar plexus every time I think about it.

Why can't I shake this loss?  It's just a game, right?  Maybe not.

In Wisconsin, we really love the Packers,  just like any city loves it's team.  In Detroit, they really love the Lions.  In Chicago, they really love the Bears.

But let me show you something.

Ford Field

Soldier Field

Lambeau Field

Take a close look at the top two photos, and notice the freeways, high rises, and general urban backdrop surrounding the stadiums.  Now look at Lambeau, and beyond the broad expanse of the parking lot, notice the green space and the real people's homes. The stadium sits in the center of the city and, basically, life revolves around it.

Green Bay is a relatively small city with a population of just over 104,000 people.  With 53 men on the roster, and dozens more on staff, the Packers aren't just a team.  They're our neighbors.  In a real and noticeable way.  Take, for example, the time I was at Dick's Sporting Goods and there was a Packer there helping his kid try on shoes, just being a real dad, trying to find where his kid's toe was inside of the shoe.  Or the day after they won their last super bowl in 2011, when my family and I went to Hooters (the wings are delicious) and walked in to find the entire offensive line eating what looked like a small mountain of chicken wings.  (We offered to by them a round.  They politely declined.)   Or in summer, before practice, when local kids line up with their bikes, hoping one of the players will give them a lift across the street.
See?  Neighbors.

Now, I know that all of these players are paid to be a part of the team, and they quite possibly feel no more allegiance to the Packers organization than they would, say, the Vikings.
LOL.  JK.  The Vikings suck. 

But I think, maybe, Green Bay's charm rubs off on it's players.  Like when Aaron Rodgers shows up at a Bay Port High School football game on a random Friday night, just because.  Or when Jordy Nelson's wife went on the record to say how much she loves Green Bay and that it's a great place to raise a family.  Or when Olivia Munn, #12's girlfriend, went on Conan O'Brien and recanted a story about postponing a business call because she had meat on hold at Maplewood Meats.  She had to get her meat, Hollywood.

It's hard to watch your team lose. Especially when you really really think they should have won. Because when the Packers lose, it's personal.

And it's even worse when you think of these guys as members of your community, not just jerseys. Not just people who were drafted to play here.  People who came to this little town and, by in large, decided to stay.  Not just stay, but invest themselves in the community, the traditions, and the novelty of being part of the strangest professional team in any of the 3 major sports.  We know how hard that can be, and we appreciate it.  So to see what happened on Sunday� Gut. Punch.

Til Next Season, boys.

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Holidaze

Guys!  It�s a new year!  I hope you�re off to a great start.  We had a great holiday, and now that things have settled down, I'm excited to share some of the highlights of our Christmas.

The holidays kicked off this year the weekend before Christmas, when my sister Anna danced in her last Nutcracker, the pinnacle of her ballet career.  My parents threw her and her two best friends a party to celebrate their achievement.  We like to make things special, so we rolled out the red carpet for the big event...

Note the sponsorship wall.  Pointe shoes ain't cheap.

We got the party started with some Christmas cheer...

My sister Eden and I shared a tender hour moment where she unloaded how hard it is to let her younger sister grow up and spread her wings.  An entire bottle of champagne may have been involved...But I totally feel ya, Ed.

#sorrynotsorry

"She's going to move to a big city and be successfullwaaaah..."

Congratulations, Anna and co, on such a great achievement.  We are so proud of you, and I hope your party left you feeling that way.  Now, you might think, how could Christmas even compare to this lavish Nutcracker party?  I'll answer that for you: PRESENTS.

Grace didn't care much about opening gifts, but she was pretty excited when a few of her favorite friends showed up on Christmas morning.

I'm starting to get what they mean when they say Christmas is for kids. 

Gift opening can make a family famished.  It's a good thing we have cinnamon rolls.  And matching pajamas.  And a fuzzy lamb onesie. ?

A moment of silence for the ho-made cinnamon rolls.

#quadrupling

There are no words.

We rounded out the evening with a beautiful meal surrounded by family and friends, and it was exactly how Christmas is supposed to be.  My favorite part of the night was when Grace inspired us all to sing Christmas carols -- the smile on her face and the energy behind her clapping and singing touched everyone in the room, and it's a memory I will hold in my heart forever.

"Smile!"

You'll go down in history!

My heart is always heavy the days after Christmas, when the world demands we leave our cozy cocoons and stumble back into routines and responsibilities.  This year though, I have Grace...and she makes every day feel new and exciting.  I hope you all had a beautiful and fulfilling holiday season, and are enjoying the first days of a brand new year.  One of my New Year's resolutions is to blog more.  I have another big one that I hope to accomplish, but you'll have to just keep checking in to see if I can resolve to make it happen.

Cheers!

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TAHUN DUA RIBU EMPAT BELAS

Hi! 

Akhirnya di tanggal 2 Januari 2015 aku membuat post mengenai 'Penutupan Tahun 2014.' 

Sedikit basi sih memang, tapi apa boleh buat kemarin internet dirumah mati dan baru aktif lagi hari ini. 

Ehehe� 

Di awal tahun 2015 ini, aku pengen ngajak teman-teman untuk merenungkan apa yang terjadi pada diri kita di tahun 2014. Untuk aku sendiri, tahun 2014 bukan tahun yang produktif  untuk diriku, namun memberikan aku banyak pendewasaan. Banyak hal yang terjadi terjadi di tahun 2014, mulai dari hal yang menyenangkan sampai hal buruk yang tidak pernah terbayangkan oleh diriku. 

Pada awal tahun, tepatnya bulan Maret 2014, kakak perempuanku yang pertama dan satu-satunya menikah. Hal yang sangat membahagiakan. Bagaimana tidak? Akhirnya kakakku mendapatkan cinta sejatinya. 

Namun di tengah semua kegembiraan itu, aku merasa sedikit kesedihan. Karena itu setelahnya, aku harus  berpisah dengan kakakku, lantaran dia harus ikut suaminya menetap di Jepang. 

Tapi ternyata ada hal yang lebih berat dari itu. Seperginya kakakku, tugasnya sebagai anak tertua bergeser padaku. Semua keluh kesah orang tua, terutama dari mama, yang ternyata selama ini  hanya didengar oleh kakakku jadi didengar oleh aku. Dan  mendengar urusan orang dewasa itu bukanlah hal yang mudah. Dari cerita-cerita mama,  aku jadi tahu kalau ternyata keadaan keuangan keluargaku tidak sebaik tahun 2013. 

Keadaan usaha papa tidak sebagus tahun lalu. Sudah beberapa bulan papa usaha papa tidak membuat penghasilan. Menyadari hal itu,  aku  memutuskan untuk harus mengandalkan diriku sendiri untuk memenuhi kebutuhan harianku sendiri. Saat itu, aku benar-benar merasa beruntung pernah menerbitkan novel Secret Admirer, karena uang hasil penjualan novel itulah yang membuatku bertahan. 

Dari kesulitan itu aku semakin tersadar akan beberapa hal: 

1. Ternyata benar kata-kata orang yang mengatakan roda kehidupan itu berputar dan tak selamanya kita berada di atas; 
2. Dan pertukaran posisi pada roda kehidupan itu terjadi dengan sangat cepat. 

Dan Aku juga  tersadar kalau hidup itu sangat menyeramkan. 

Karena kesulitan itu,  sepanjang tahun 2014, aku menyesali keputusanku untuk   mengambil pendidikan lebih tinggi bukan bekerja. Setiap hari aku selalu menyalahkan diriku. Seharusnya aku bekerja jadi dapat meringankan beban orang tua bukannya malah belajar dan menambah beban mereka. 

Namun beban hati itu berkurang ketika papa dan mama berkata kalau semua kesulitan saat itu bukan salahku dan mereka sama sekali  tidak merasa terbebani atas biaya kuliahku. 

Sejak hari itu, aku semakin bertekad untuk lebih berbakti lagi kepada mereka.

Aku pernah mendengar sebuah ucapan� 

"Jangan pernah menghina pemberian orang tua kepada anak-anaknya, 

sejelek apapun itu karena itulah hal yang terbaik dari yang mereka miliki." 

Dan sejak kesulitan ini, aku jadi tahu maksud kalimat itu. 

Sejelek apapun yang orang tua berikan kepada kita, itu adalah yang terbaik dari mereka. Jadi jangan pernah mengeluhkan pemberian mereka.

Papa�. Mama�. Aku sangat mencintai papa dan mama�. 

 

Beberapa bulan berikutnya keadaan keuangan papa sudah mulai membaik. Aku pikir aku bisa mulai bernapas lega dan kembali menjadi mahasiswa yang hanya berkonstrasi pada kehidupan kampus. Namun nyatanya, Tuhan tidak mengijinkan aku untuk lengah. Tiga hari setelah hari ulang tahunku, rumah yang aku tinggali selama 11 tahun - tempat aku mengabiskan separuh hidupku- di lahap habis oleh si jago merah dalam satu jam.

Dulu aku sering bertanya-tanya, apa rasanya ya tertimpa oleh musibah yang mematikan atau heboh? Dan  sekarang aku tahu rasanya. Rasanya adalah seperti duniamu kiamat dalam hitungan detik. Begitu menyeramkan hingga kamu berharap  kalau semua yang terjadi di hadapanmu adalah mimpi. 

Ketika melihat semua benda yang papa dan mama kumpulkan secara bertahap selama sebelas tahun itu habis dalam satu jam,namun tidak bisa melakukan apapun untuk menyelamatkannya, aku benar-benar berharap kalau semuanya itu adalah mimpi. 

Namun sayangnya itu bukan mimpi. 

Berkali-kali aku memaksa diriku untuk bangun dari mimpi buruk ini. Tapi nyatanya tidak ada yang berubah. Begitu menyeramkan hingga menyesakan. Alhasilnya yang bisa aku lakukan hanyalah menangis sambil mengingatkan diri sendiri kalau Tuhan tidak akan memberikan cobaan yang melebihi kemampuan manusia. 

Ada kala dimana aku berhadap kalau diriku ini menjadi gila hingga bisa kabur dari semua kenyataan yang sangat menyeramkan itu. Tapi akhirnya,  aku memutuskan untuk menjadi kuat dan  tidak melakukan semua itu. Aku harus menjadi kuat! Aku percaya bila bersama papa dan keluarga lainnya, aku bisa bertahan hidup. 

Dan ternyata benar! Aku, papaku dan keluargaku tidak mengecewakan dirinyaku.  Buktinya, walaupun berat, namun kami sekeluarga bisa melewatinya hingga bisa memasuki tahun dua ribu lima belas dengan cukup baik. 

Karena itulah  di awal tahun 2015 ini�. 

aku ingin memberikan pelukan dan kecup kasih sayang untuk diriku sendiri. 

Karizza Rakmavika! 

Terima kasih untuk segala usahamu di tahun 2014. 

Semoga kamu bisa menjadi pribadi yang lebih baik lagi di tahun tahun mendatang. 

I love You! 

lalu bagaimana dengan teman-teman sendiri? 

Apa saja yang terjadi pada kalian di tahun 2014 ini? 

dua  Januari dua ribu empat belas 

BSD 

De Park , De Heliconia  <3

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