Mom On the Go

Right now I�m sitting in the Detroit airport.  Alone.  Well, not really alone, there are hundreds of people milling about and 20 or so at the caf� I�m sitting at.  Ok it�s a bar.  But there�s a caf� immediately adjacent and the only open outlet was at the bar and mama�s laptop needs constant juice.  Mama needed juice too, and debated between the espresso shot or the Griffin Claw IPA to get through the mid afternoon slump.  I�ll let you guess which one won.

I digress.

I�m alone, in that for the first time in basically forever, I�m away from Grace. Forever meaning 381 days, or, the totality of her lifetime. (In truth she�s been alive 382 days but I spent one night away from her back in May. And it was painful. Physically. Boobs. Mentally and spiritually it was refreshing. Thanks Megs.)

You see, I�m going back to work this year. My work takes me away from home for a few days at a time, and I cant decide if that�s a blessing or a curse.  I think it�s a blessing.  I think it�s easier to leave and be gone for four days than have to leave every.single.day.  But I�m not sure.  I�ll let you know.

The days before this trip have been wrought with some major freaking ANXIETY.  Ultimately I know everyone will be fine.  But I just can�t shake the feeling that I�m abandoning my child.  I texted a dear friend who has a similar job asking her to give me a pep talk that I CAN do this, and she put it so poetically when she said, while Gracie will be fine, �walking out the door goes against every instinct you have.� So true.  Is that instinct right? Should I listen to it? Does it need to be kept in check?  The pre-mom version of Erin would have been like, suck it up lady, the kid has a dad and it�s important to let the dad be a dad and blah blah blah.  But the mom version of Erin �gets it.� I get it, fellow moms! Grace was once a part of my body, and while she hasn�t been a part of me for a while, she�s still always with me, and now she�s not and I feel like I�m missing something.  And certainly she�s going to be missing ME because I�m always there and OHMYGOD am I damaging her precious spirit? Have I abandonded her?  Is she going have issues for the rest of her life because of this? No.  Idiot.  But it feels that way.  Because I am the one who has been there every day and knows how she eats and what toys she likes today and which books to read. There�s no way she will survive without me!  She�s not going to have any fun! Yes she will.  Idiot.

Am I a mother or a 15 year old girl? smh. (that's for you Al. And Jess)

And now I�m here, in Detroit, halfway to my destination and you know what?  I�m okay.  So is my kid. I�m kind of enjoying the fact that I can read a magazine and eat caramel corn and go to the bathroom without having to pray the whole time that Grace doesn�t fall/tumble/crash down the hall/stairway/babygate. But in the midst of my enjoyment, I have this nagging feeling in the back of my brain. Guilt.  Let�s open a new can of worms, shall we? As if the abandonment weren�t enough, enter THE GUILT. In this moment, I�m happy, and I feel a little bit guilty about it because I�m not sure if I�m just a happy person who loves life, or if I�m happy because I�m away from my kid, messy house and piles of laundry. What kind of happy am I?  Maybe a blend of both? Tell me, fellow moms, that it gets easier to reclaim your identity, independent of your child.  Tell me that time makes it easier.  I know who I am without Grace but I haven�t been her for a four day stretch in a loooong time and I�m having a hard time finding my footing.  I like myself.  I like my job.  I love being a mom.  The mom piece of the pie has been the biggest one for a long time, and will probably be the biggest one forever.  But at some point, it has to enhance who I am and not strictly define who I am. 

It�s almost time to board my next flight, so I�ll ruminate these things from 50,000 feet and maybe ascending into the heavens will depart some divine wisdom into my brain and I�ll come down with all the answers.  If not, I�ll keep on keeping on, knowing my baby is in the best of care with her dad, who is at home, doing the toughest job of all. 

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November 3rd is a popular day to be born

Since it's birthday week at our house, I am going to share with you my favorite story from the day Grace was born.  It might be one of my most favorite stories ever.

This was the last time she ever slept this soundly until last week.

In order to fully appreciate how funny this story is, you need a little background information.  Eric and I moved into our house in 2009, so we lived here five years before Grace was born.  Our street is quiet, and while our neighbors are very neighborly, everyone keeps to themselves. A friendly wave is about as much interaction as we have on a regular basis.


Last October, Eric was outside raking when he noticed our neighbor (let's call him Mr Neighbor) was  outside raking too.  Eric is a friendly guy and it dawned on him that he had never formally introduced himself to Mr Neighbor. So, he set down his rake, walked across the street, and shook hands and officially met Mr Neighbor.  They exchanged pleasantries, and Mr Neighbor remarked how he noticed we were expecting a baby and his family was very excited for us.  He talked a little bit about his family, his son and daughter who were high school and middle school aged, and commented that their last baby was a bit of an "oops."  Eric laughed and said he had bought girl scout cookies from their daughter and that she was a very nice young lady.

What a lovely meeting.  A meet-cute, really.

Let's fast forward to the wee morning hours of Sunday November 3rd, 2013. I had been admitted to the hospital shortly after midnight, and just after we got settled in we heard a baby wail. Eric and I looked at each other, kind of giddy with anticipation, and I thought, welcome to the world little one!

Grace was born about eight hours later, and if you're curious about the details of the next few hours, feel free to read yesterday's post :)

Sunday night, my mom and sister (who also happens to be born on November 3rd!) were visiting us at the hospital.  Eric left to refill my water and see what was happening on the maternity floor.  He came back in our room with the craziest, most amused and perplexed look on his face that I have ever seen. I'm asking him right now to tell me the next bit, since he was the one who actually lived it:

"I was on my way back to the room and there was a long stretch of open hallway.  When I turned the corner, I saw a man and his young daughter. When I got closer, I knew it was our neighbor. (Mr. Neighbor!) I was so happy. I was confused, but just so happy he came to visit us.  Bemused even.  This is so surprising.  How did he figure this out, that we were here?  Did someone post it on social media or something? And as I start smiling, he also starts smiling. "What are you doing here?" I asked.  His daugher had a gift, and I started to reach out to take it and also started to shake his hand as he replied, "Same thing you are!" and he motioned to the room next door to ours.  "Yeah, my wife gave birth to a baby boy last night, just after midnight!"
"What the f?" I thought. And I realized I had to pretend to know what was going on while I digested this information.

And then it dawned on me.  Our conversation this fall was really about his baby who happened to also be born on the same day our baby was born."

Eric shared this story with the three of us and we all kind of stared at each other and giggled and whispered incredulously since they were immediately next door to us.  There are so many funny things about this -- Eric trying to take the gift, how nuts he must have seemed when he implied their daughter was an oops when Mr Neighbor was very clearly talking about his new son, how Eric thought they were coming to see us at the hospital even though they had only met once. 

OUR NEIGHBORS HAD A BABY ON THE SAME DAY AS US AND WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY WERE EXPECTING ONE.

Does this make us the least observant, worst neighbors in the history of the world? Yes. Do we care since it gives us one of the most hilarious and bizarre stories for our cocktail party small talk arsenal?  No.

We still mostly keep to ourselves on our street, but we always wave when we see our birthday buddy coming and going with his sweet family who gave us the kind of story you can't even dream up.

Happy birthday, baby oopsie neighbor, happy birthday.

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November 2nd

The other day someone asked me how old Grace is.  I replied, �She�ll be one on Monday!�  Except, it didn�t come out like a nonchalant, factual answer�it was like a half choked-out sob covered by a semi hysterical laugh, �SHE�LLBEONEONMONDAY!!!!� I sounded like a donkey.

Cutest. Baby. Ever

The emotion of that statement caught me completely off guard and surprised me (once again) at how poignant, how visceral it is to be a mom.  It really got me thinking.  Many things.

1.  This past year has been the most profound year of my life.

2.  I�ve always had a lot of feelings but I might be a little more cooky than I thought.

I�m sitting in my living room now, surrounded by the debris from Grace�s birthday party, and I�m reflecting on the day she was born.

November 2^nd, 2013.  The Badgers played Iowa. We decided to take advantage of our last Saturday afternoon as just a couple, since I was going to be induced on November 6^thif Gracie decided she didn�t want to be born before then.  We were going to go out for coffee, maybe see a movie, pick up a few essentials to really be �ready� for Grace�s arrival. 

As we were making these plans, a small voice in the back of my brain said, �hey dumdum, you�re not doing anything today.  You feel that tightening in your belly?  That�s called a contraction. Don�t believe me? Here�s another one.�

I willfully ignored that voice because I WANTED ONE LAST DAY.

First stop on our last day?  Drop Georgia the dog off at her Grandma�s.  The tightening in my belly was getting a little more intense, but I paid it no heed.  I�m a tough cookie.  And I wanted movie theatre popcorn.  While we were chatting with my mom and sisters, I mentioned that I was having some contractions, but we were going to go have some fun, just a couple of crazy kids on a Saturday afternoon. My mom noticed my hands curling around the countertop as I was explaining how fun it was going to be to see one last movie just the two of us.  And she, sensei Karen, said, �you�re having a baby today.�   As soon as the words were uttered, the gauntlet was dropped and I realized holy sh*t, I am in labor.

The next hours were a blur�coffee date? Sure let�s try it. Nope can�t drink that get it out of my face.

Maybe we should time these contractions?

Shopping? Sure let�s try it. Fail.

There�s a contraction app? There are multiple contraction apps?  I don�t give a #@%& which app you choose just pick one and TIME THEM!

Sure, let�s watch a movie, I can totally focus on something for three minutes and then I�m going to have to focus on my contracting uterus.

SERIOUSLY TURN DOWN THE VOLUME HOW MANY DIE HARDS ARE THERE AND WHY IS HE STILL ALIVE AFTER ALL THAT SHOOTING? TURN IT DOWN! 

It was after midnight when we went to the hospital.  The nurse checked me (4cm dilated!) and I was admitted. The whole thing was surreal�I was so paranoid about being sent home that once I finally got admitted I didn�t really know what to do with myself.  Luckily I had an awesome nurse who talked me into an epidural (after 2 hours of contractions with no progress. What am I some kind of masochist?) and shortly after the epidural kicked in, I was almost at 10cm and we were on the fast track to meet Gracie.

The next few hours were busy for me (Eric fell asleep a few times. I was pissed and amused and pissed again.) while I worked hard to meet my girl�3 hours of pushing.  3 hours.  And you know what?  I loved every second of it.  No seriously. I really think giving birth is fun.  I loved the adrenaline, the pure physicality of it, how high the stakes are.  It was invigorating and amazing and I am so glad I got to experience it. After 24 hours of labor, 3 hours of pushing, at 8:38 am Grace Noelle came into the world with a cry that dissolved me into a fountain of tears�relief, joy, anticipation--every feeling I�ve ever felt, I wept it that morning.  The nurses placed her on my chest and I said, �she looks like Nana!� and I cried again, and looked at Eric and he was crying and the nurses were smiling and I felt like I had just done the most important job my body could ever do.  I remember nursing Grace right away and thinking I was so glad to hold her but maybe could I just have a minute without someone touching me/monitoring me/sticking needles in me so I could catch my breath? And God laughed and was like, not for the next year or so, sweetie. 

I remember every time the nurse brought her to me at night she was wide-awake and so serene and I called her bright eyes. I swear I saw something divine when I looked into those newborn eyes, and I was transformed.

 

And now, a year later, I�m so happy to celebrate this charming, adorable, hilarious little girl who has taught me what life is really all about. I want to sear everything about her into my brain, but tonight, I really want to make sure I remember how it all started.

Not only was a baby born on November 3, 2013. So was a mother.

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